


sad songs in disguise

by aikeurano



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-18 03:28:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29603178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aikeurano/pseuds/aikeurano
Summary: Gray's listening to a song that brings up his past.
Relationships: Natsu Dragneel/Gray Fullbuster
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	sad songs in disguise

**Author's Note:**

> Just a small warning for child abuse and self-harm (through revisited trauma), also I'm fairly new to AO3 so if I've tagged anything wrong or something, let me know!

* * *

Gray was listening to _that_ song. Natsu could hear it through the wall.

It was a love song with a happy ending and a nice rhythm to it. The lyrics meant something, something good, they told a story that Gray couldn't really relate to but it had all the same affect.

Anyone else listening to it wouldn't pay as much attention. It's just another song in their playlist, another three minute decoration in the background of their drive, another song to dance in the kitchen to.

Gray's situation was different. Natsu knew that.

He could hear Gray's cries, he was sobbing to this song, and he always did. It brought up memories for him that weren't the nicest to remember. His teenage self loved this song, it became the one he cried to because his dad was so shitty and he beat him and sometimes he had to let everything out or else he just might have burst.

Whenever he listened to this song, even as an adult, he could picture all the shouting and slamming doors, bruises on his arms, feeling so worthless and dumb and fucking stupid, his mind swirling and swirling like he was intoxicated, and just crying for help. He would be curled up on his bed and he couldn't stop the tears.

It became his comfort song, comforting in the way that he could listen to it just to feel something. After Gray escaped, comforting turned to triggering, he thought he'd never have to see his dad again, and crying wouldn't be so painful because all he had left was memories. He was wrong. He thought he could listen to the song like any other person and he could feel normal for once, but all it did was make his limbs numb and his pillow wet with tears.

Somehow, the aftermath of the hellfire his father brought was a worse storm to weather than living in the moment itself.

He never listened to the song again, not by will.

It came up a few times, like when he was nineteen and driving in the dark because the air was nice and it was the only time he could be himself, and the song came up on the radio so he had to pull over and he threw up on the side of the road.

And when he was 23, Natsu had been his boyfriend for two years, they were on a date that was cut short when Gray rushed off to the restroom because that stupid song started playing in the restaurant and he had to explain everything to Natsu which, as a 23 year old, felt so fucking pathetic.

Natsu understood though. He understood, and he let Gray cry into his arms.

It happened a few weeks ago again, it played in a place Gray couldn't control. Natsu wasn't there to turn it off or to bring him back into reality. It happened at work in the office, a co-worker was humming it, Gray ended up breaking down in his office and his boss sent him home for the day.

He felt so worthless like he did all those years ago, getting so worked up over just the humming of a simple melody.

So he tried listening to it on his own, he wanted to get over this stupid trigger so he wouldn't have to hesitate every time he turned a radio on or went into a place with songs from his teenage years playing on its speakers. He did it when he was feeling like shit, it became an addiction to revisit his trauma and rot his brain, making him feel numb until he didn't know himself anymore.

Gray was getting worse, it was visible, he looked like he was dying and it hurt to watch. He was regressing back to the old Gray who was covered in bruises and never took care of himself. He barely slept. He cried way too much. He skipped most meals so whenever he did eat he just felt sick. Natsu was so worried but Gray never listened.

Now he knew why, he could hear the song through the wall and choked up sobs, cries of pain. Gray was hurting so badly, he was trapped in his past and pounding on the walls for an escape. He felt all the things he felt back then and it felt so much more realistic than any lucid dream could think to be.

Gray was being torn apart.

Natsu opened the door slowly. Gray was under the sheets, curled up so tight you'd think he could barely breathe. He couldn't. The phone sat on the bed too, it played the song and it filled the room. Inbetween them was a pillow blocking Gray's face - maybe he was trying to drown out the noise, but a measly pillow couldn't block out the weight on his shoulders and the visions of fists in his face.

Natsu turned the music off and set the phone aside. He climbed onto the bed.

"Gray," he said calmly, in a soft and smooth tone, "everything's gonna be okay. You're here."

Gray continued to shake and sob into the pillow. His hands clenched the pillow so hard his knuckles were turning white, the veins in his hand popping out. Natsu couldn't tell if he was crying out of anger or sadness, or maybe a confusing yet understandable concoction of both.

"Put it back on," Gray choked out lowly, voice cracking, "please, I need to get over this."

"I understand where you're coming from, but it's not helping in the slightest. You're not building an immunity, you're just breaking yourself down. You're hurting yourself, Gray."

"N-no."

"Gray," Natsu's tone was more demanding, but not in the condescending and vicious way that Gray had been revisiting. "I can't let you keep doing this. I'm worried about you."

Natsu almost reached out to him, to bring him back to his present life where his dad was rotting in a cell and he was living a happy married life, but he was stuck in the past. Of course he was sensitive to touch, it happened so often in the least comforting ways.

"Is it okay if I touch you?"

Gray hesitated for a moment, Natsu was worried he wouldn't respond altogether. Though, eventually, he heard the fabric of the pillow and Gray nodded slightly.

Natsu reached out for his hand, and Gray slowly took it. His hand trembled as he held on tightly.

"You don't have to hide," Natsu's voice was calm again, "I'm not gonna hurt you, I'd never think of it, your dad's not here either. Please, look at me."

With his free hand, Natsu slowly moved the pillow away, and Gray didn't fight back.

"You're okay." He gave Gray a warm smile, it made him want to burst into tears again.

"I'm sorry," he looked away, "I-I'm sorry you have to deal with all this. I'm 27... I shouldn't be crying over s-stupid songs."

Worthless and stupid had been drilled into his head, they never left, they told him he deserved all the hitting and shouting, and nobody else deserved him. 10 years of being 'free' didn't ease the feelings, or kill them off. They were there and they were constantly beating him.

Natsu held his hand tighter. "It's how you cope, and that's fine. It's not your fault for feeling like this and it never has been. You're allowed to cry. But Gray," he let out a shaky breath, "it hurts, that song, I know it does. Don't hurt yourself by listening to it."

"B-but then I'll never get over it."

"You never have to. Recovery is supposed to be a slow and gradual process, and shoving it all down can be harmful. If you want to heal, do it at your own pace." Natsu's thumb rubbed circles on the back of Gray's hand. "I'll be with you every step along the way, if you want me to. You're never a burden. No stupid ass love song is gonna make me hate you, never."

Happy climbed onto the bed, meowing against Gray's legs under the covers.

"See, even Happy agrees," Natsu smiled. "You're loved, Gray, so _so_ much."

Gray let out more tears and he wasn't sure if they were happy or not. Natsu slid under the covers, reading his body language, and let Gray cry against his chest.

When he seemed to settle a bit, Natsu told stories, stories Gray had heard maybe about a million times but they never got boring because Natsu told them. Natsu's storytelling was nice, because what he needed right now was just a distraction, something to listen to, anything, to take him away and put him in his better mind.

Natsu knew him so well.

After an hour had passed and Happy was scratching at the door to be fed, Gray was breathing steadily and he didn't feel so shit. Natsu played with his hair, Gray leaned against his chest, a content mood was in the air. Not too happy, but not too melancholic either.

Gray's healing process over the next month was slow, and Natsu was there every step of the way. He went to sleep a half hour earlier than usual, it was small but felt like such an accomplishment. He went from skipping two meals a day to only skipping one, then skipping none but having a rather small portion which was better than nothing.

He still hurt sometimes. He still listened to the song, it still made him want to punch a wall, but he was getting better at coping. Learning self control took weeks, but he'd let it take months if it meant he actually learnt it.

At times, it felt like he was never going to get better. He would always be messed up, he would always break down to a something as simple as a song.

Though, knowing that someone would be there to help him through his storms was a comforting feeling.


End file.
